assistance with stuckness, please!

Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Kathy Bowman on January 21, 2012 at 1:33am

woof!  speaking of which - next week I'm volunteering at the local sled dog races!

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Permalink Reply by Lisa [Hootless Crew] on January 21, 2012 at 6:14pm

And I have been talking to a dog on Facebook .... now that is some infinite possibility :)

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Bowman on January 26, 2012 at 5:29am

checking back in... making some progress with this, but there's an underlying change that clearly needs to be made to get past the stuck cycle. "I don't want to give up the fantasy that I can fix the relationship with my ex - which is not a harmless relationship and therefore is not love."

dang, don't like looking at this. but it's the next thing for releasing.

I love him enough to let him go - but not often. When I do experience that love, other windows in life fly open! but clinging to a 20 year friendship 5 year relationship that does harm to me and "irritates him" as best I can see it - that's not love.

And there appears to be almost no love at all for me from either of us.

feeling much shame about this truth. appreciating seeing it. ready to do release work on it NOW. I do believe I love him enough to do this final hard work. Tonight, I don't feel the love for myself that would make this both easy and inevitable. Just the awareness and grief for the loss of the fantasy of being lovable, loving, and having the potential for love in this context.

So love and peace to you/us all.

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Permalink Reply by Evan on January 26, 2012 at 6:02am

It sounds like you have gotten to the place where you have the space to look at the roots of such a thing honestly, so congratulations. There are layers before this can happen so give yourself credit. 

As important as it is to realize that by definition letting go does not mean it is going to create a specific outcome (ie, letting go so that you can get back together with an ex.. probably all wants are involved,) also bear in mind that it also does *not* mean he is removed from your life, thoughts...  it doesn't guarantee something *not* happening any more than it guarantees anything will happen.. if that makes sense.

In other words, in case you are doing this and it is creating extra resistance, thinking of "letting go of him" as meaning you finally knock him out of your mind/life completely. That expression is commonly used outside of this particular context, and is often used to mean "get that person out of your life/mind" and to me that feels very heavy and wanting-control but is how the expression is very often used. 

As best you can, take your hands off of it completely and allow the emotions fully.. No agenda in either direction or with the pretense that this is to finally "end it" with this person anymore than it is to finally fix it, as that can just be a similar thing but the other polarity.

I realize that might not be your experience I just thought I'd mention that as it is so easy to fall into. All the best.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Bowman on January 26, 2012 at 7:37am

Points well taken - have been in both of those spaces a fair amount. But that isn't actually love. Woo hoo. Thanks!

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Permalink Reply by liiloo on January 29, 2012 at 5:46pm

Kathy, it is so funny that we both got here and have some kind of similar issue.

Only thing what differs that i love him and i will grow that love further and i love myself tho i need to grow that love further.

I know only thing that theres no limits what we can do. Even with fixing the relationships. As Hale sed, we forgot the things what we saw in other person when we fall in love :P Cause we started to build that list. And that damn list is with us all the life. Look aound wrom where you have got your beliefs about the relationship and love? Books, movies, soapoperas, family, friends and so on.. list is endless :P

Just keep up and go through that list.  I have always wondered why ppl are unable to feel love through they relationship.. it is somewhat strange to me. Cause i have been constantly in love with my partners / through that life here ). Yes i have had issues also, but now i have tools to accept and help myself. That´s why i do not understand all those divorces and breaups. That someone finds better one and so on .. You can grow tremendously being with one, when you already have felt that he or she is the one. I do not count those one night stands or short flings to here. But i mean relationships what have lasted more than a year.

I still have some things to accept in that love path :D and i might need some more help , than i can see myself. But well see how it goes. Take care Kathy and go on with the work you do!!

Kathy Bowman said:

checking back in... making some progress with this, but there's an underlying change that clearly needs to be made to get past the stuck cycle. "I don't want to give up the fantasy that I can fix the relationship with my ex - which is not a harmless relationship and therefore is not love."

dang, don't like looking at this. but it's the next thing for releasing.

I love him enough to let him go - but not often. When I do experience that love, other windows in life fly open! but clinging to a 20 year friendship 5 year relationship that does harm to me and "irritates him" as best I can see it - that's not love.

And there appears to be almost no love at all for me from either of us.

feeling much shame about this truth. appreciating seeing it. ready to do release work on it NOW. I do believe I love him enough to do this final hard work. Tonight, I don't feel the love for myself that would make this both easy and inevitable. Just the awareness and grief for the loss of the fantasy of being lovable, loving, and having the potential for love in this context.

So love and peace to you/us all.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Bowman on January 29, 2012 at 6:23pm

Best wishes to you Liiloo on your process with this. I agree that loving regardless of situation is worthy.

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Permalink Reply by releasemaster on February 2, 2012 at 4:06pm

Wow Mario that really worked! 2 years of 'stuckness' and difficulty seems to be gone in under 20 minutes! I'm left wondering what the big deal with all of it was. Fantastic!

Step 5 never worked for me properly before. Just then what I did was just try to do Step 5 "let go of wanting to control the stuckness" and see what the mind came up with. "It's won't work" (wanting to control), "never mind about it" (wanting to control), "should do something else" (wanting to control) etc. 

Kept going for about 10 minutes and then when I tried Step 5 my mind actually gave it a shot and a chunk of the stuckness dissolved. "That'll do for now.. time to do something else" (wanting to control). Kept going and going until I think MOST of it is gone now. "Gotta write a post on the forum" (wanting to control). 

I feel 'normal' again after years of 'stuckness'. Thank you!

I can also see how it will not take as long the next time I'm stuck as much of my wanting to control around actually doing step 5 will already of been released.

Mário [Hootless Crew] said:

The most straightforward way to handle that is step 5, let go of wanting to control the stuckness. Sometimes there is an issue that happens when you do Step 5:your mind tells you "it's not working" and "it's going nowhere" "You need something else, step 5 isn't enough for THIS stuckness" and you believe it (falling for its manipulation) and you break your momentum (which is the goal of the mind when it tells you that). It requires a strong decision not only to keep releasing the WC, but also to choose to see everything that the mind tells you while you are releasing as coming from the Wants (Step 3) and release it, instead of thinking there might be some truth there. Nothing the mind tells you while you are releasing is supposed to be heard, or much worse, believed. They are to be seen as the next thing to be released. So, a good thing in the beginning is to decide to allocate a time slot, 20-30 minutes to 1 hour for instance, to only release the WC the stuckness and the garbage the mind says. You give a number to the stuckness from zero to 10, release for the allocated time, then check to see how much stuckness is there if there's some.

If you don't move at all, do A&A to being stuck, or to being stuck about <insert what do you feel stuck about>. I wouldn't really recommend doing this as normal practice forever, this is just a "training wheel" until you know 100% that step 5 really works to release stuckness, but it might take time or not, and develop the most important skill of not identifying with what the mind says. The mind is your friend, but only in the sense that it tells you everything you should release, which is 100% of what it says that is not a result of a pure "database search", like "What's my name?" or "What's my address?". It gives you the correct answer IF it is something that was previously stored there as information.

However, to be 100% honest, if releasing is moving slowly sometimes what I do is just change to another tool to release the stuckness and then go back to releasing. The mind is not stupid, it gets used to a way of undoing it and sometimes just changing to a different tool or a different way of releasing does the trick.

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Permalink Reply by Kathy Bowman on February 2, 2012 at 6:00pm

thanks!

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